I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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