I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
