He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize