WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
