I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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