I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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