You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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