What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
