no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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