I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
