i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
