I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
