yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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