Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
How external is "for external use only"?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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