The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
