she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
