I wish my penis had an off switch
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
