Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
