the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
