omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize