When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
