you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
