i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
