I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
