Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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