I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
