Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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