I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize