I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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