somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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