did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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