Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
