Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize