Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
