I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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