New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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