Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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