sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Idk if I want to put a bra on
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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