Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
