i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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