you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My dick has a subreddit
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
