Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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