Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
