i was born a porn star she said
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Of course I have a pirate flag
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
