I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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