Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
