Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
