Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
