i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
