I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize