I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
