She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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