wrigley field is MILF paradise
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
In America we eat man semen.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
