I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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