so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
